Down in the dumps...

I don't know how to describe my feelings.
I feel.. envy,sadness,sorrow,pain,loneliness...
I know I should not feel like this now.
I have things that are better than most of the people in this world.

What is wrong with me.

Feeling useless.
Can't do anything right.
Feeling helpless.
Can't help anybody that is in pain.
Feeling hopeless of myself.

Maybe this feeling will go away.

I want to go to the beach and sit on the sand quietly...listening to the splashing sound of the waves.

I don't want to think anymore!

Go to sleep and hope tomorrow Is a better day.
Also hope I won't feel like this anymore...

Fall in Love with a Guitar~

Today I when shopping with my boo~
and I found a guitar that I really really REALLY liked!!!!
Is from Takamine. So is kind of expansive! >_
But I really really like it!!! Is like, love at first sight~

Is Rm889~ is really expansive to me right now cuz I'm low on cash~
Jobless...:(
Damn it!

Need to get it soon!!!
Or else...

My Family~

I love my family.
But lately I'm very sad because of them.

I feel very stress.
Feels like I can't take it anymore.
I can't sleep at night at my own house cuz I feel pressure living with people who thinks I'm not good enough.

My own sisters and brother...

I'm really sadden by this.

I know I'm not as smart as you guys or get many A's in school like you guys did.
But really...why do you have to say such mean things to me.
It hurts my feelings you know?

I won't ever in my life say such mean things to my friends...let alone my own family...

You have the rights to say what you want to say in this world.
But it doesn't mean you have to say mean things to hurt people.
Everybody have feelings you know?

Dear brother and sisters.
I'm sorry...
I didn't grow up to be a good little sister that you guys wanted me to be.
And I think I never will...
Cuz in all your minds, I'm always a good for nothing stupid girl...
But I will always love you and be there for you guys no matter what...because you are my family.

But this time...
I really did get hurt... deeply...

Rilakkuma wash!

In the washing machine~~~
twist~twist~turn~turn~
DING!!!
All done~

Speechless...

I just don't know what to say...
You are the one that wanted to go home.
But than you said it like I'm the one that wanted to go...
Making me looked like a bad person or a selfish girlfriend.
And making yourself looked like the innocent one...
WTF?

I didn't even know what to do...
I don't know if we can carry on like this...
You make my heart feel sour...
I thought we're together in everything...
You stand by me and I'm here for you...
But I'm the only one there for you and you just watch me drown in deep water or pushing me in deeper...
I feel sour when I think about it...

And what's worst is,
You didn't even do anything to make it up to me...
I'm just like a fool...checking my phone every few minutes...
Is 3pm... Not even one call or text msg...
I don't know how or what to do anymore...

Your better off not having a girlfriend...
Cuz you don't know how to treat them right...

A girlfriend is not a pet or a toy that you can abandon...
She needs you...need you in every steps she takes...
She is a human being and have feelings.
She is a girl that is very fragile and sensitive.
She needs you to take good care or her and stand by her side even when she's wrong..

Can you do that???

I'm stupid to fall in love with you...
What a dumb ass I am...

Hospital~~~

I Hate this the most!!! is placed on my right hand and i'm right
handed...so i have to use my laft hand to do everything...
It was hard....so hard....



Time for the operation~ scared and nervous...
Asking the doctor is my voice gonna change 100 times!!!



My Tonsal.....
So Disgusting....is full of pus in it...yuck!




After the operation.. no voice at all...painful~



~THE END~

Hospital Life~~~

~Blended Porridge and Cold Chocolate Drinks~ sometimes i'll get Ice Cream~
The first breakfast that i have eaten in Johor Specialist Hospital.
Been eating this for every meal for the past 5 days in the Hospital...

Sick~ VERY sick...

Been having fever on and off for 9 days...
my hole body hurts like hell..
my head banging like somebody is hitting it with a hammer non stop..
this happen last month~
now i'm ok...almost...

At first my Mom and Dad send me to the Kulai Government Hospital
But the Doctor only give me one Grape Water
than said that i'm ok than tell me to go home...
But the next day i'm still the same
and than they waded me and they suspects me of having dengi fever
so than i stay at the hospital for one night and they give be 6 pack

The Kulai Government Hospital was horrible!
They wake you up at 5am than order you to go and take a bath!
Taking a bath at 5am in the morning for sick people is SICK!!!
What were they thinking!!!
But lucky me ~ i have my mom there.
she help me abit with bathing~ :)

so after that the Doctor came at 10am
he said my fever was actually causes by my throat which i totally forgot is hurting.
my head and my body was to painful til i forget my throat was killing me too.
The doctor say i was fine than he tell me to go home and drink more water.
i thought i was fine too.

But than...
when i go home and take a nap
my head starts to hurt even more til i cry.
it feels like it's going to explode!
at first i didn't want to go back to the hospital
but my brother force me to go.
this time they send me to the Johor Specialist Hospital

The doctor there was much better
they found out that i have "Tonsillitis"
so they decided to ward me and see how it goes.
few days have past and my condition was getting worst.
so the doctor say is better for me to take out my tonsil.

i was feeling very nervous cuz i never when in to a operation before.

so, after they remove my tonsil
i feel much better cuz of the fact that i can breath easily again.
But the next day it was bad again.
cuz of the scar in my throat even now it hurts.
i can't sleep well at night every few hour i will wake up cuz of the pain...

after two day the Doctor discharge me
and telling me to go back if my head start to hurt of any serious happen
cuz is not a normal case.
my tonsil were full of pus and it might take my life away if i leave it there.

so then now I'm home~~~
Doctor advise me to stay home for two weeks
and eat only cold and mushy food...

I've been day dreaming of Mc'D and fried chicken and lots more food that i can't eat for a very long time!!!

men! THIS SUCKS!!!!

Things I Want to Say

I wanna tell you I feel left out...

Why you never text msg me?
You don't miss me at all?
I hate this kind of feeling...

My heart hurts...
You can say I'm too sensitive or whatever.
Maybe is me.
Maybe I'm the one that take this relationship too seriously.
Maybe...maybe I love you too much..

You keep on asking me "what happen?"
I really can't tell you why out loud now.
I'm scared that my tears will burst out suddenly...

I'm sorry for being like this now...
So sorry.
I need time to heal...

"Love Drunk"

I'm slowly starting to become stupid now...

When I'm not in a relationship i looked at others that are in one and feel like their stupid or they've knock them self in the head or something.

Than i start to think, i use to be like them...stupid and naive and childish...maybe that's what they called "Love Drunk"...
I did everything wrong back than...i was blinded by love...
don't care about right or wrong...dumb...

Love is stupid~

Well, now I've fallen in love again~
But this time, at list i know when I've become stupid.
I told him just today "I feel that I'm starting to become stupid for you"..
He don't know much about love because is his first time being in a real relationship~
So he didn't say anything~
He only tell me is like a dream being with me~´◡`

This time i looked before i fall~~~ :)


I know in my resent post i said I'm not ready for love~
I'm not lying...I'm really not ready.
I told him i was really very scared of starting one...
I'm scared of getting hurt like before...
Then he told me to believe him this time.
So it happen..（・ω・）

I'm scared of falling too deep like last time...
the end was a deep cut in my heart...
Just when i start to love so deeply than suddenly...everything gone...
The pain was unimaginable...
I thought it won't go away...

But Lucky me!
I have a wonderful family and also good friends that was there for me.(●ﾟｰﾟ●).
Just when i started feel alright on my own...than he came~（*´ー｀*）

Hope this time everything won't go away like last time~


You are the only exception.

Love???

My friend tell me when he's in his first relationship with a girl he give everything.
After things didn't worked out with that one, he told me the next one he give fewer.
Even fewer to the next one...so it goes on~

I did the same thing as my friend...
I give my all to my first...
But I wonder if I will be the same as my friend to my next one.
I hope I won't be like him.
What's the point of being in a relationship if you just give half of your all??
It will only mean that your not sure and only using that person so you wont feel alone.
I don't want to be that kind of a person
This game is not easy to play...
You might get somebody hurt...
Maybe even yourself...
I know...

Love hurts whether is right or wrong.

I will look carefully before I fall for somebody now.
I don't wanna be the same old stupid Elva that I use to be back than.
Fall for a person that i don't know well..
But for now, I'm not ready for love...

Let's just wait and see... :)

The Right Thing To Do~

I've fix something that I started wrong.
But I don't know how to fix myself...
Anyways, I feel better after I've done it!

I sometime feel that I'm lost...
Wondering who I am to others and to myself.
Still looking for the meaning of life.

I think alot of people are just like me.
When will all this question be answered?
It feels conferting to think that I'm not alone...

But now...I feel alone...

Change for the better....i think...

Rilakkuma and Guitar = <3

Alot of times i said this "i wanna change for the better!!!"
But i'm not sure if i really ever did change...=_=
I'm gonna try from today on...
It really can happen cuz i saw one person change before...
He change for me~~~ :)
I never tell that person that is the best thing that anyone did for me...
Change for me to love him again...aww~

But on the other hand...i feel kind of mean that time...
Cuz i was forching him so much...
Guess karma really gets me in the end...
Now i'm trying to change..but that person ain't coming back...
Is sad when i think about it...
Now i know how it feel's to be left when you love that somebody so much~

I've learn my lesson...
Everything happens for a reason...
The reason is i'm too pushy,forcy,self centred...everything bad...
Pushy and forcy cuz i force him to do thing's that he don't wanna.
Self centred cuz i didn't think of how he feels.
Always think of myself before him...yup is bad...
yeah~ and lots more things like that...bad..
I'll kick myself in the ass if i can go back to the old me.

If only i could trun back time and treat him right,
If only somebody will slap me and tell me the bad person i've been...
Maybe...just maybe he'll still be by my side.
Too bad nobody can trun it back...
Too bad is too late...

I'm sure nobody would wanna date me if they sees this. lolx~


I'm now on my road of recovery.
I can make thing's better!
I must believe i can!
I wanna change myself to a more kinder person!
I must!!!

Feeling Crappy~

I really don't know what's the cause of my crappy mood's lately.
Hmm...maybe is cuz of the potato chip's...it give's me gas. lolx!
To think of it, i drank potato soup for lunch and dinner today.

Yes! blame the Potato's!

Been thinking of mean things to say to people's lately~
Of course i didn't say it out loud. Just say it in my mind. :)

I'm not eating healthy lately too..:(
Got the desire to drink soft drinks when i'm eating my lunch and eat junk food at night when i'm youtubing!
And also been sleeping very late too~

So, i don't look good lately...=_=lll
My face looks pale and i have lot's of zit's and shit.
And my hair is a mess!!! Is like a bad hair day for me everyday!

No wonder i've been crappy!
Great! i found out myself!

Thing's ain't going well with me and my mom and my sister...
I really don't know how to talk to my mom anymore...
I donno how to not feel anything from my sister meaness...
She's treating me like a maid again...
Wish she'll move out soon!

Crap! Must patch things up soon!!!
Before is too late~~~

Goodbye is meaningless~

Before i go to bed~
I'm just gonna say~
I'm still struggling~
Struggling in life~

I've been lying to my own feelings now and than~
Guess i'm not totally over about It yet~
It still hurts me...alot.

Yes, is bad!
But i'm not gonna give up!

So, i remove him from my life~
Facebook,MSN,Skype~
Hoping i will over looked it one day~
So that one day we can be friends again~ :)

Saying goodbye is meaningless
If we’re able to meet again someday
Don’t you think it’ll be a beautiful thing?

So the goodbyes that i sent to him is only for the time being
Just leave it to fate now..

We can be friends again.
But not now.
I need some time...
Would you give me some time?

Valentines day~

Today is valentines day, so...
Happy Valentines day to every couples out there!!!
I wonder how it feels to celebrate valentines~
but I'm sure is sweet~ ^-^

I feel curious about the history of valentines day.
So I started to go on the web and search for the history.
It said that a man call st.Valentine got in jail for helping the ppl in his village get married. Cuz in the country that he live in, is forbidden to get married cuz the king believe that an unmarried soldier is a good soldier.
Than while his in jail he falls in love with a young girl which is the jail keepers daughter.
While his in jail he sends the girl letters starting with
" From your Valentine " which is still use today in the letter that people send on this wonderful day~
So in the end this day " February 14 " is an honors day to St.Valentine.

Aww~ is so sweet!
Is a happy day today!

But i'm sad cuz I'm single~ damn it!

Better luck next year elva~

Love is in the air
I can smell it
But I can't taste it....

Fight cuz of her! What the hell!!?

My mom call me to clean my room cuz tomorrow my friend is coming to stay at my home.
As I starts cleaning she starts to complain about me and my big sister.
My mom is angry cuz I don't wanna help my big sister to keep her things away.
She just move back from Kl(kuala lumpur).
Is been a week and her things is still in my room, makes my room looks very messy.
She starts yelling at me and saying how old is her ady. And I got to respect her.
RESPECT??!! What? She is always bullying me and you still say I'm not good enough to her?

Last time when I was staying with her in Kl,
She always treat me like a maid.
Always bully me, always been bad to me.
And I always tell you about it in the phone.
You always didn't do anything about it.

And now your angry cuz I don't wanna help her clean up the mess that she bring back from Kl?
What the fuck!
I'm really pist off now!!!
Is very obvious that you always give her the good stuff in life now.
Is not I think too much.
Is obvious...very obvious..

Korean food~

Today me,my mom,dad and sisters when to a Korean restaurant~
Of course we when for dinner there!
Is nice~ my mouth still smell like garlic now...lolx!

Feel lonely...so I listen to some music while we're on our way there. :)
Music and some mind game on my iPod helps me to forget a bit.

Will do my best to be more cheerful in life!!!

Elva! You got to gambateh!!!

The only way for me...

I have to keep away all the things that you gave me...
Delete your everything from my life...
I know i cant delete you from my memorys...
By doing this maybe i can forget....
This is the only thing i can do now to make the pain go away...

Is too painful for me...

I'm sorry...

Goodbye Forever...

I don't know what i did wrong to be hurt like this...
I don't know how to make it go away...
Everything i do just makes it worst...
I wish to be heartless...but i'm not...

Please save me from this pain...
It's just ain't right...
I'm not a strong person...i know that cuz i wish to die now...
Everything i do reminds me of you...
Listen to that song that you always want me to sing...
When Your Gone by Avril...

You make things hard for me now...
I know is time to say goodbye...
But i just wish i can trun back time...
And stay at that time when i'm with you...
It bruns my heart...

Please make the pain go away...
I can't breathe...
I blam myself for being like this now...
Loving you so deeply...
I lost my mind...

I wish i can get hit by a car and forget about us...
I don't wanna remember...
Wish i can start over...
Wish this never happen...
Wish i never know about love...
Wish i never step in to it...

Everything is over...
Is time to say goodbye...
I tried...
I already do what i can...

Goodbye, you...that once loved me so...

Hope you will find your half soon.
Wish you will be happy forever and ever...

Memory's...

Just reach Kl.
So many memory's...
My room...my bed..
My pillow still have your smell...
so many memory's of you and me...
Everything reminds me of you...

Feels like crying again...
Bitter sweet feelings...
It still hurts...
Hope this feeling will go away...soon..

Post From iPod Touch! ^~^

I can write a blog with my iPod touch!!! Now only I know~.
But I can't upload a picture :( too bad...
Is 2.30 in the morning now and is raining cats and dogs here in Kulai.

Last time I love rainy days but now I really hate it.
Donno what's gotten in to me lately...-_-

I have new bruises on my body...
Donno where I get it from again...=_=|||

******************************************************
me is elva~~~hehe.

OMG!!!!

I haven't got myself any clothes for Chinese New Year!!!
Not even shoes!!!
What to do! what to do!!!

i think i'll just have to....
wear something that i haven't been wearing for a long long time~~~lolx!
think that'll work!!!

But shoes!
i've only got high heels that haven't been worn~
damn it!!! im not good at walking with high heels!!!

Still got few days to go~~~
Donno what will it be like this year~
might be boring~~~
but i love the fact that we get money in a red paper bag for doing nothing!
and also being together with all my family~i mean my mom and dad and sis and bro only!
other just....meh~i can live without them~bwahahhaha~

Hope my mom won't be unhappy about little things by than~~~ :)

Hope this year is a peaceful year~
Hope my family will stay healthy~
Hope this year will be a lucky year for me and my family!!!

Guruguruguru Pang!!! :)

Stupid Pictures~teehee~

The Ipod Touch camera sucks like poop~

so, i have to use my old phone camera to take this picture~

But i still love it though~ :)

I can get lost in it for the hold day~~~

Just playing games like "GodFinger"

Is a fun game where you can be god and use your finger to make the little things work~

and i also can kill them~~~evil...hehehe~

My sis got me a Rilakkuma~

See! is holding my Ipod!!!

So happy~~~

But is no good for hugging when i sleep~

the body of this little thing is too small and the head is too big~lolx!

Wooopppeeeyyy~~~ :)

I got an Ipod Touch for myself~~~:)

I'm so happy that i get it~

Too bad is not jailed breaken yet~

I wanna download more app for freeeeee~~~~hehe~~

Got Something...:)

No time~
Have to sleep now!!!
woot!!! is still early!!!
Is only 4am.
Gonna try 3am tomorrow~
Hope i can get home early tomorrow...:)

Good Night MEEE!!!! Yay!!!

My Lovely Little Dog.

I once have a dog that i loved very very much.
I give him food,
spand my time with him,
give him LOTS OF LOVE,
and also buy him things.
I'll do anything to make him happy.

But one day,
he bites me and ran away.
It hurts, i when to the hospital to get a injection.
But it still hurts alot...the scars.
But the doctor said it will be ok in a week.

The dog came back one day.
I forgive him so i give him SOMETHING to eat.
I give him all my love but he rans away again.
Now is not the bites...is my heart...
It hurts badly...nothing can cure it...

nothing....

I think to myself.
Maybe he wants freedom.

But i know freedom.
Freedom will slowly becomes meaningless.
When your out there in the world all alone.
The coldness that everyone give you.
With no one to miss and to go home too.
It suck...
People will be nice to you cuz they wanna use you.
Believe me, i know.

So i won't go out there looking for him anymore.

His gone...forever...

Remember,
i still love you even when you run off on me when i love you so.
But i won't want you back..
cuz i know i will get hurt by you again doggy.

goodbye...

Smiles and hahas~

That day when i saw what you write on your blog.

i ask myself, how can i smile without you in the pictures of my life.

If it makes you happy.

im not crying anymore...yay...well..not all the time...haha~

sure i miss when you called me baby and i call you dear.

but you said it...is over...we're over...

I tell myself, i have to get over it...is hard...i know..

im not saying im over it now....

i just have to do it one stap at a time...

When i need someone to talk too...

i just go do something and make myself busy..

so i can forget what i wanna say...

so i won't miss the days....

the days that i tell you everything...

the days when all my free time is on the phone with you...

I never tell you this...

when im on the phone with you...

although your not next to me.

i feel safe.

i feel that someone is there for me.

be there for me when i need um...

all the bad feelings that i have will be taken away by you...

so sweet rite?

haha....

I think im acting very crazy lately.

i wanna ask you...am i crazy?

but i don't dare too...

cuz i feel that we're not as close as we use to be...

coures, your not my half anymore...im sure is normal to be like this...

Im trying so hard to keep the conversation running with you on the phone...

try to not stop the phone buzzing in my pocket...

Always looking for things to talk about...

phone bills, phone line, schools and the how are you's and also the goodnights works for now...

but slowly i think...just slowly...it won't work anymore..

and you won't reply me anymore...

is ok...is normal... i know..

i know you have your own life to live too...:)

i'll back off~~~

You make me grow a little...

you make me know where im bad at..

but im still bad at listening to people. haha.

look at the time, is 5am already.

and im still here writing this blog...

see...haha..

Sorry for sending so many text msg.

im sure you'll think im annoying...and crazy..haha.

im sorry for being a jerk...

ok, i got to stop here!

too much writing!!!

i donno what to say for the ending part!!!

i wanna say i love you!!!

but that is wrong!!!

CHICKEN!!! haha!

Now i know....

Wait, what am i going to say?
Oh! Now i know you really don't love me anymore...
Wow!

So, i just came back from KL for like 23 day and he dump me...
I repeat 23DAY! Not even a month~~~Wtf!!!
Hello!!! i have feelings too ok?!!

Ok...im sorry for being to harsh there...
but he really did hurt me and to top it off,
we just past our 1 year anniversery which is on the 29th of Dec...
man, that just ain't right...don't you think?

For the things that i have done for him...
awwhh...i donno where to start...
When i move away from KL and back to JB,
everymonth i will go back to KL to find him.
By bus or by airplane i don't care, cuz i only wanna see you...

Do you know how tired am i of bus???
i have to sit in the Fucking bus for 4 hours to get to KL
and you think air plane is easy for me???
im very scared of falling from the sky...
but at that time,
nothing is more importent that having to see your face...
to touch you, to feel you, to hug you...
just to be with you for a few days...
and in the end you say im very inconcideret... bu ti liang...

I fight with my family for you...
My mom keep forcing me to break up with you...
2 of my sis keep on telling me things i don't want to hear...
My brother keep on mocking you and i always fight back for you...
You think i never try to let them know you and accept you?
I keep on fighting for you and wishing one day we will have a happy ending...
but guess now theres no truning back...
After what you have done now...there is no more chance for us...
If you gave up on me like this...there will be no truning back...

yes,i feel happy when you say maybe one day we can be together again.
even now I Do... but really... if one day we really do...
my sisters, my father, my mother, my brother, even my friends...will hate me...
They will say im stupid for going back to a guy that dump you when you loved him so much...
he will totaly hurt you again...

You try to think back.
What have i done for you?
What have i done to deserve this pain?
Did you ask me if i wanted to break up with you?
Did i agreed to this decision?
Have you think of what i will feel?
wow! this is so consideret of you! so Ti ling me oh!

Yes, Short pain is better than long pain...
Hey, let me ask you something.
1 year is like 5 mins to you is it?

Who's the one that always saying "please don't leave me baby"...
Why do you have to tell at the first place when your going to leave me first?
You know, i really did what you said...not leave...
Thats why it hurt so badly...

All the things you said to me are all lies...
Im so stupid for believing you...

Hey, are you playing with my feelings?
Are you the guy i use to love so so much?
Are you Kelvin Chin?
I gave you everything...my love, my time...everything...
And what i get in the end???
Nothing...
I don't buy clothes for myself very much...
I only buy for you...
I wanna buy a Rm1o clothes also have to think very long...
but for you 5sec also done ady...
I'll do anything for you...but...
now is all over...

This is not the end...cuz im still alive...